We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
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*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
