We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
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if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Worst perfume name ever.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again