We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
