We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
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I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls