We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol

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I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”


Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.


*closes door*

“Did you take out the trash?”

“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”


{after you tell me about your horrible, yet life altering near-death experience}

“Have you seen my charger?”


If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.


I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy


ME: i don’t trust salesmen
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut


customer: have you worked here a long time

me, a waiter: 14 years sir

customer: wow ok what do you recommend

me: finishing college


My ceiling fan has 3 settings: 1. Very slow 2. Slow 3. I’m about to detach from the ceiling and kill you in a freak ceiling fan accident