Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich

I live by one rule and only one rule. Anything can be turned into a casserole. And if you’re snobby about food, YOU can be turned into a casserole.

FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN

*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*

“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”

god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now

ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?

BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.

ROBIN: What?

BATMAN: What?

1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.

3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.

Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.

My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book

Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*

Old man standing next to me: Ouch!

You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.

My daughter wakes up everyday at
2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.

Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.

Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶

There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.

*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*

Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.

my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full

me, carrying 8 grocery bags:

Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have

I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.

Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.

T: You need a break
M: Yes.

T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?

T: Hell no.

Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so

Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping

9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.

[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]

my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.

My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?

Me: I don’t think it’s an act.

“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”

“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”

Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!

[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house

CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner

ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–

*goose with a badge waddles in*

ME: okay but i’m driving this time