Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.

[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah

[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016

At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.

Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman

[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u again

DATE: That would be nice

ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her

[DATE]

ME: I’m a literature buff

HER: who do you read?

ME: read?

*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*

“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control

mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.

her: you seem really upset, what’s up?

me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess

The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.

My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house

(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”

The best part about sleeping alone is not having to share my blanket or rotisserie chicken

Mapping America’s Far Right

Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.

I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.

Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

“You heard the song I was playing?”

Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM

“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”

Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.

Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”

[at dinner]

Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.

Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?

(simultaneously)

Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!

Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.

Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.

mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey

The theme park we’re going to in the morning has free unlimited soft drinks. So if my calculations are correct, the kids will have diabetes by 1 pm.

I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.

I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.

Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.

Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]

***6 months later***

Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?

Me: … [whispers] meow.

6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?

Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.

6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?