Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”

My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes

People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.

I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”

Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.

what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonka

what scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka

i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe

ibopfufen

Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..

My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.

“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses

King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah

When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.

A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.

Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.

Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.

Me: Chocolate?

“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”

ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse

HER: how about we just shave your back instead

My favorite fruit salad is sangria.

Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.

Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.

Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.

I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked

Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell

*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?

my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it

and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me

Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome

Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.

Hamster: Poor baby.

Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.

Them: Who hurt you?

Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile

I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.

My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”