We cut our bangs at dawn.
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Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
one thing I really like about competitive horse riding is that horses, more often than not, are assholes. love them! be an asshole! you’re a horse!
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Supermassive Black Hole
Or what others call pizza night
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL