We cut our bangs at dawn.
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Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.