We decided to have money instead of children.
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*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
me irl
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Admittedly, this is an incredible comeback.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?