Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]

ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*

Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.

If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste

Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.

You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.

Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone

i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again

“When in doubt, drag it out”

– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies

Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being

Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.

How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.

[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*

Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.

Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…

Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.

I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.

When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend

I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open

Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?

Me *swallows pride*

Baby lion: holy shit

Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]

put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”

If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun

At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral

Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.

Or having an Asian baby.

Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.

Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?

Reasons people get divorced:

-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy

I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.

Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.

Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?

Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!

8: I wish we celebrated Christmas so we could ice skate.

Me: Jews can ice skate too dude.

I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.

What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?