We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
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Put a bar inside Home Depot you cowards.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Cucumbers Anonymous
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
I think we should let the Just Stop Oil girl out of prison to attend her brother’s wedding, but then stage a protest and block the roads.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.