we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
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“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
*limbos under the caution tape
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
I went to a job interview, and it didn’t go well.
How was I supposed to know HTML doesn’t mean how to make lasagna?
I mean, I don’t know how to make lasagna either, but they didn’t know that.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*