we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
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The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
