we did it you guys we saved daylight
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Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
I saw my son go quietly into his bedroom with a broom and dustpan. It’s taken me awhile to learn this, but I now know that there are some questions best left unasked.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Shoo shoo! 😂
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Met someone on a dating app and my message autocorrected nice to meet you with nice to wet you so that was an immediate match for him.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.