Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childish

her: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday

[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]

“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say

[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]

george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.

How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?

I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?

Home #decor warning.

My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs

So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer

Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.

My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.

hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm

put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.

Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?

“How did your

*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*

favorite sports team do in their

*looks down again*

sporting contest today?”

Amazon’s checkout needs a breathalyzer feature which cancels your order if you’ve been clearly drunk-shopping.

the wife told me that we’re invited to a country themed party so I’m wearing this

In the original ancient Greek Olympic games, many of the athletes competed naked. It made the trampoline a lot of fun, the men’s hurdles not so much.

Cop: I’m going in, cover me!

Me:*speed knits blanket*

Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.

One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.

My neck my back my allergy attack

Cathy on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Cathy ? …..Most people love it.

[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad

You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical

This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.

On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on

Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.

I threw some bird seed on my lawn earlier and now there are dozen of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow

Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”

The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.

Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.

Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.

Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.