Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: i’m sorry the answers no.

Jellyfish: please?

God: it’s just too ridiculous.

Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?

God: yes but-

Jellyfish: pretty please? : (

God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish

Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.

dispatch, i’m on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle’s bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can.

I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.

white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken

DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow

T-REX: oh great

ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough

Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls

Friend: how many?

Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny

Laundry:

Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days

Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.

I get sad when I see how old people my age are.

Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.

My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.

Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?

When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.

[first day after lying on my job application]

me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something

co-pilot: what

Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?

Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others

I: and your greatest strength?

Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority

All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.

An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.

My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?

Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms

Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.

Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.

Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?

Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.

Me: Wow! New record.

Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died

The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.

I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.

“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries

Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts

respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”