Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve

Eve: it’s tomorrow

Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve

Please don’t leave that cake alone with me

*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door

Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.

Librarian: Oh, like the author!

Me: Huh?

Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!

Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.

Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?

[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL

HIM: I wanna be more than friends.

ME: You wanna be BEST friends?

I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.

me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields

farmer: wtf have you done?!

8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?

Me: I just did 438 sit ups.

8: sounds legit.

I’ve taught her well.

Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.

My 4yo, screaming at his little sister for touching his toy: I AM GOING TO SEND YOU TO JAIL

*looks at me, and I am frowning at him*

4yo: I mean…maybe I will send you to jail. Maybe not. We’ll see.

Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.

If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong

[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.

[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!

ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!

Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!

My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?

I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.

Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.

[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”

A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.

Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?

Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.

Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.

I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.

-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.

McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…

[my dog poops]

man: pick it up!

[my dog poops faster]

[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod

Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person

[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]

“Did you say single?”

If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.

Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.

[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s

As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.