We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
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[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Putting a child in a stroller is not that hard but putting the same child in a car seat is one of the hardest things a human can do and requires 8-10 business months of rest to recover from.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
This classic never gets old . . .
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
you come to me? on a friday at 4pm
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Dad died last year. I had the job of clearing his house out as I still
live in the same town. Found twelve thousand pounds in cash stashed in various hiding places. Haven’t told my siblings.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.