We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
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Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day