We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
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At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Until I was a young I adult, I thought that a general anaesthetic was one that was used all over the country. And a local one was one that was just used where I lived
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Message from the dog groomers
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots