We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
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Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity