We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
You Might Also Like
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
“This Tweet has been deleted.”
A thread 🧵
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
