Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good

Friend: I hate frozen pizza

Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.

Friend:

Me: There’s a fly in my soup.

Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.

*puts a spider in the soup*

Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.

I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.

10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”

Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.

Me: My eyes are up here

Picasso: I disagree

Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies

Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.

Me: Let me shift gears for just a second

Bus driver: Go back to your seat!

boss caught me photoshopping sir patrick stewart in different wigs so a visit to hr is probably on the horizon

“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”

~me, when I can’t open the cheese

I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…

Apparently this was NOT the apple watch she was expecting for her birthday

glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another

Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.

LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*

these can’t be my only options

I met a married woman today, she’s been married for 45 years . I asked her what’s the secret – how did they do it?

She said they the secret is that her and husband never wanted a divorce at the same time

My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”

even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side

Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids

Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers

Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.

If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.

I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.

women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.

women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.

Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’

I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’

Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.

Me: Hello?

Satan: I’d like to make a return

Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL

ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person