Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.

i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles

GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.

ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?

My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.

imagine getting destroyed like this

Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try

[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd

4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”

“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”

i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting

My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.

Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.

[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]

Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?

Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz

Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it

Dorothy: [inhaling]

Toto: FFS

Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?

Me: I think people find me intimidating

Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-

Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder

My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account

Barnabas had a lazy eye.

The other, however, was a real go-getter.

the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle

You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.

I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.

ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–

SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.

ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?

Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.

The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?

Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.

My CW just barked.

Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.

Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.

When someone asks me a question that I can tell is gonna turn a rude corner, I like to trap them with my Keep Going facial expression. Eyebrows lifted, face tilted, slight smile. And then I wait, ready with a pleasant Yikes.

*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.