We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
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[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
We loved to call random numbers and say “I think your dog is on my porch.” If we got somebody who said “I don’t have a dog” then we would yell I DON’T HAVE A PORCH and hang up.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
The legends were true
Welcome to parenting — the only hobbies you have left are the ones you can do in the bathroom.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Wolves should really raise more people.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no