We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
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me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
He a real one for that
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu