We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Me: I got a new blanket
My dogs:
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
love that the person on this box of tea looks like they’re being cooked on a spit like a 7/11 hotdog
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
