Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]

Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging

“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”

WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly

One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.

Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose

I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath

Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.

Wow 🤣

According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.

Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!

Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?

Me: why…did it sneeze?

*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.

I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it

When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since

My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.

My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.

I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.

My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.

Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.

look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on

When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:

Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.

Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”

Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.

Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”

What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?

cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly

me: no i know this is a trap

cat:

me:

cat:

me: fine *goes to pet belly*

cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot

Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off

ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all

BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*

Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.