Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.

He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.

What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander

[me narrating a documentary about narrators]

“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”

Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.

I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.

FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.

You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.

Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.

Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.

I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?

Cop: Could I have your name?

Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.

*Send Bail Money*

Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.

Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you

Me: Apology accepted

Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.

Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.

Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.

For those of you wondering why there’s no swim-up bar in the Olympic pool that swimmers can visit mid-race for a pina colada, it’s for financial reasons: given the cost of hiring bar staff and the 8-person limit in the pool, there’s just no way a bar would be financially viable.

If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.

See..?

.

The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”

Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.

Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.

[out in public]

Me: A kid is crying.

Wife: It’s not one of ours.

[we fist bump]

New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!

Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!

Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”

Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.

Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.

Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.

My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.

I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.

when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween

think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me