We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
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WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS