Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.

Phlegm fatale, they called her.

Everything was great until I opened my mouth.

– An autobiography

“Yogurt!”

Gurt: “Yes?”

At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit

I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me

While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.

On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on

My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.

“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”

First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos

Me: *looking fly*

Target self-checkout camera: lol no

you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar

mood

A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”

I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.

(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit

This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.

ME: I’ll take it

AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here

ME: perfect

Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”

*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”

Four Worst Feelings Ever:

4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic

Relationship status:

I’ve put my ear hair in braids.

Get at me.

It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.

Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?

Women: 9:45am on Monday at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002

[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.

them: yeah?

me: try the coffee.

men: i like the natural no makeup look

me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown

Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?

Me: I’d use the elevators

Hiring Manager:

Me: Elevators, Sir.

[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine

ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk

WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours

[first day as a lawyer]

CLIENT: you’re fired

ME: was it my opening rap or the –

CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes