Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer

Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.

wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice

I told some friends yesterday that I was going to make seven-layer magic cookie bars and one of my friends said, “oh I can’t make those bc if I do I will eat them until I’m sick” and privately I was like haha well that will not happen unto ME and now it is today and guess what

Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.

I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit

I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.

My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.

interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right

somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him

Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.

[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then

Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.

Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!

Me:

do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable

*puts lips to microphone*

Microphone: I have a headache

4 year old: I had a nightmare

me: don’t worry, it wasn’t real

4 y.o.: I dreamed every movie based on established I.P. will now be reviewed by a committee of nerds censoring anything that might be controversial with fans of the franchise

me: *terror rising within me* no way

Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?

Material possessions mean nothing to me.

*breaks phone*

I don’t think I can make it through this week.

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.

I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name

Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.

My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?

Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.

I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.

my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are

and then suggest you lose weight

Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.

Her: On a Saturday night?

Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.

*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email

me: hit that tree with your fist

hitman: that’s not what i do

me: hundred bucks

hitman: no

me: will you punch a house

No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.

lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-

me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!