We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
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When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Be vigilant
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
