We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
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Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Still hold my high school’s record for shortest javelin toss.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
New word: Biscgret.
Meaning: The feeling when someone offers you a biscuit and you refuse, and you spend the rest of your time with them secretly wishing you’d accepted the biscuit.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
The way this guy who wants today’s newspaper is low-key gonna find the guy in the branch who currently has today’s newspaper even if he has to search every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse to do it
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.