We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.
We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!
You Might Also Like
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.
What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone
me: whoa magic
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.