We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.
We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!
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Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
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First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
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Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
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Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.