We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.
We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!
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Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
me: I’m eating a new piece of cheese every day
them: is it for an advent calendar
me: no
my friends are so lucky i can’t do a backflip, i would be so fucking annoyinggg
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
I’m not lazy
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
just had a chilling thought… do br*t*sh and canadian people call it ‘dragon ball zed’ 🤢
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
when they have a dream sequence in a movie, how do they film the person’s dream?
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs