We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
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Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
I’ve been locked out of Tinder because of “unusual activity”. I must’ve got a match.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
