We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
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The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
We made a comic about a space heater.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
tad speechless. husband just woke me up from my football nap by holding a warm piece of pizza under my nose until the smell got me sniffing and twitching like a dog. “I can’t believe that worked”
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Me before grocery shopping: healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this
Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows???
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.
Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
How is it still this week?
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.