Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”

If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee

Did you know?

A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.

And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.

me: one taco plz

“Bro, this is Subway”

me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz

The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too

I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73

im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*

banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients

If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him

where it all went wrong:

“of course i know where we’re going”

What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.

[amusement park]

me: *arms up, screaming*

cashier: but that is the price

The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”

Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.

Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather

Me:

Her:

Me: you study whether what?

My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week

Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.

I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.

Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.

What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven

What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.

Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.

I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are

Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.

Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.

5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?

Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.

5-year-old:

Me:

5-year-old: Mom?

opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are

Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker

Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.

Hear toddler having meltdown at Target

Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.