We don’t deserve birds.
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Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.