We don’t deserve birds.
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Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Good morning
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Cop: “Do you know how fast you were going?”
Me: “Officer, I’m focused on the future.”
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it