We don’t deserve birds.
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My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
per my last wtf
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?