Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile

Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?

My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.

My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.

The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*

“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit

The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.

5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.

Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.

5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.

[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve

“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”

Taxidermy is invented.

my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself

BaD BoY!!

Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.

Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”

although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”

Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”

Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.

I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.

Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.

why neck hurt

SON: *first word* momma.

MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?

ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.

Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon

Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon

I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.

Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.

If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.

My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.

Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?

Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN

My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.

[My Wedding]

Me: I do

Guests: Awww

Me: Or do I?

Guests: Ooooo

my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old

I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.

This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.