“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.

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I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.


It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.


[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*


Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.



Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”

Widow: “Please do”

Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”

Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”


Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.


Me: Just to be safe, we should quarantine Texas and nuke it from space.
CW: That seems like an overreaction to Ebola.
Me: They have Ebola?


*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U