“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
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General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
I found your tweet-up…
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*
7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
also my go-to takeaway order
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.