We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
You Might Also Like
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
Made something I’m not proud of
😂💯
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Introducing WifeChat™ the app where you talk to your wife
Not to get political, but my vote will go to the candidate who promises to pass a law making it illegal to earnestly call a sandwich a “sando.”
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
