We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
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Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
When I buy a multipack of lip balms, I put one in my purse and scatter the rest randomly around the house to save time from the inevitability of losing them.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
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Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
when i say “i hate drama” i mean i hate being involved in drama. other ppl drama? big fan
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure