we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
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I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
[police questioning a friend about my murder]
Police: Did he have any enemies
Friend: Boy did he ever