we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
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i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
inside you there are two whales, one is a whale, the other is also a whale, as mentioned previously
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
A woman at the gym called me handsome so I guess I’m getting married you guys.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
The photographer’s assistant
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.