Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic

me: I said NEXT pandemic

Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU

US: you need to build credit to show you are responsible with money

me: ok so my credit score will improve if i pay off a debt?

US: lmao

me: ?

US: are you serious

“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200

Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”

Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.

When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.

*at plastic surgery consultation*

Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”

Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”

In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green

Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805

My tinder profile says I’m looking for an

[at a mattress store]

sales assistant: what size are you looking for?

me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do

TSA agent: is…this a…cattle prod?

Me: it’s for the wankers who crowd the baggage carousel

TSA agent: oh right then. go ahead

My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.

H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?

M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.

the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room

Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.

I am a genie. I grant you three wi—

Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!

People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?

There didn’t used to be all these coffee choices. You had to decide at a grocery store if you wanted coffee that was the best part of waking up or was good to the last drop.

Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.

dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection

Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.

These apps are getting out of control.

There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.

On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.

I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.

If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.

I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.

*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.

I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*

*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up