Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good questions to ask on a first date:

*Do you have any siblings?

*What was your major in college?

*Is that your original skin?

*Do you think the humans suspect anything?

*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?

*What kind of music do you like?

Etc.

Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.

– Cannibal Presidential Debates

ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral

We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.

[first day as a celebrity chef]

*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*

Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.

CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No

I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.

Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.

Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”

“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines

my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together

People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?

Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.

Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.

The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.

Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.

Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet

A news story said Taylor Swift’s relationship to Travis Kelce was fake.

~me explaining to my boss why I need a personal day

Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.

Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?

Because he had no acetol

“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.

Nobody:

Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?

ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.

Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better

🥲

ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?

BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?

ME: no, it’s a Civic

how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life

Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.

doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another