We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
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Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
There should be a day between Sunday and Monday called Hang on a Second.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Me: [Making an alarmingly bad decision after making a lot of good choices for a while] treat yourself
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?