“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
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Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Like sleeping!
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Me: I’ll be home a little late today.
Son: Why?
Me: Two of our coworkers are leaving the company, so we are all getting together to celebrate.
Son: Wow, you guys must have really hated them.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Halloween is cool because it’s the one night a year I don’t get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
