We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
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So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
Somebody call the cops.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.