We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
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I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
“I want to request the next book in this series.”
“Sorry, it looks like that title isn’t coming out until sometime next year.”
“So are you saying you can’t request it?”
“Not yet, no.”
“See, this is why I hate libraries.”
“No, this is why you hate linear time.”
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.