We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
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My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
dating apps never work for me because i need at least two years of friendship charged with weird sexual tension to even consider falling in love
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
If you need time alone, just announce that you need help cleaning the cats litter box.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
So I was passing the bus stop today when I heard a young fella brag to this girl that he doesn’t do afraid. Just as I past them I quickly turned around to him and said Boo. It turns out he does do afraid. 😂😂😂😂
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.