We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
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The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?
Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
It’s either five or nothing bro
– if wet wipes could talk
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.