My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
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[at a farm]
Dairy cow: Oooh that tickles
Sheep: Look I got a new “hairdo”
Chicken: Cool I didn’t want to know any of my children anyway
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
DR DOG: have you been taking your diabetes meds daily?
DR DOG: *hits him on the nose with a rolled up newspaper* Bad patient!
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
i sold all my lizards to buy my girlfriend a Toyota Tundra but she sold her drivers license to buy me a awesome obstacle course for lizards
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.