We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.

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My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day


[at a farm]

Dairy cow: Oooh that tickles

Sheep: Look I got a new “hairdo”

Chicken: Cool I didn’t want to know any of my children anyway


DR DOG: have you been taking your diabetes meds daily?
DR DOG: *hits him on the nose with a rolled up newspaper* Bad patient!


Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!

Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.

*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*


My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport


OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?

Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.


Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?


i sold all my lizards to buy my girlfriend a Toyota Tundra but she sold her drivers license to buy me a awesome obstacle course for lizards


11: how large is Scotland Yard?

Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…

11: never mind, I will ask google.