We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
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If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.