Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant

He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices

*aggressively skips to my Lou*

“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”

Windchimes

“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron

*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*

“Wait, if you’re here then that means”

*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*

I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality

From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customers

holy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom

13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?

Me, knows exactly where it is: No.

Did you know that an apple can accidentally be flushed down the toilet in a perfect storm of events?

We do, now.

(Just kidding; it’s only half-flushed & is now stuck in the pipes & my god why are kids like this.)

You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.

[Starbucks]

“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”

Barista: Is Pepsi ok?

lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones

Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!

Me: oh, very funny…

I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.

[arrives in heaven]

how’d you die?

me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire

*in bed*

me: finally sweet sweet sleep

brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg

*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?

Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.

Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.

mugger: your money or your life

me: oh you pick

“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring

If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.

I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.

I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.

#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness

[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe

[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together

[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this

[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it

[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”

You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.

🔦🌙👣

I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.

me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape

DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?