Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you love someone, let them tweet.

Important reminders

Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillow

Him:
Pillow

Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.

I’m ready for Halloween this year

[first day as EMT]

Me: *checks pulse*

Victim’s wife: well?

Me: *shakes head*

Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head

6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down

Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.

When I retire I’m going to run from office.

Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”

Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.

[At Wedding]

Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?

Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND

Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.

Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.

Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini

Mommy, what are these?

“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”

Oh, then you shouldn’t yell

“Why?”

[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP

me: brush your teeth

my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth

I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.

ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.

JINN: Done.

[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]

JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.

ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.

Me: so what does your husband do?

Her: he’s a dermatologist

Me: pore guy :/

I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.

*invents time machine*

*has an opportunity to right a wrong*

*makes it wronger*

I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.

First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”

Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”

100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’

quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric

if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing

*burglar alarm goes off*

me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work

My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.

Me: *select all, delete*