we don’t make people walk the plank like we used to
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Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
The two types of wives
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”