we don’t make people walk the plank like we used to
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if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles