we don’t make people walk the plank like we used to
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You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
so, is there a mister shapen head
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Um … Hot Wings please
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
The Friday File.
