We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
You Might Also Like
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Every house has this drawer
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Is this you?
IT guy: How much Internet do you need?
My folks: 10,000
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Most Common Source of Electricity
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
date: I’m a really big people person
frankenstein: omg, same
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.