We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
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ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
If you’re testing me, we failed.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
just rewatched Texas Chainsaw Massacre and it has NOT AGED WELL. First off, murdering people with a chainsaw is literally illegal,
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.