Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss

serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”

I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.

[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀

[7:00:01am] wait no

[7:00:02am] hold o—

[7:00:03am] stop

so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?

… sounds better than tinder

Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.

Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.

I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.

a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.

The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff

*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.

what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???

Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first

3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.

Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …

A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”

Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.

The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?

As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.

You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.

*whistling*

Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?

Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.

Husband: But It’s real blood.

Me: *continues whistling*

I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then

Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.

*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)

i could never be president. im overqualified.

My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”

Coronavirus: LOL.

Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…

Billion dollar idea.

A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”

Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!

me: the most exercise I get is from sex

friend: but you’re so out of shape

I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.