we don’t understand the earliest recorded jokes from ancient mesopotamia because we lack necessary context. what if there’s a guy in 4,000 years like “my theory is they had specially trained shrimp that did all of the rice frying”
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cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Once a year there is a public event at my old job that I dress in cosplay for and walk around incognito taking pictures of everything that looks terrible to send to my old coworkers.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Cinema or bowling
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”