We found love in a hopeless place.
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My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
imagine how many people are in a mr. beast torture sphere right now and missing all this
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
decorating my apartment
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)