We found love in a hopeless place.
You Might Also Like
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”