We found love in a hopeless place.
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If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Do not go gentle into that good night,
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?